


For the Widows of Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti (Side B)

by Liliako



Series: For the Widows of Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti [2]
Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Appreciating your loved ones, Comfort of Friends and Family, Dealing with Cancer, Family Feels, Father's Day, Gen, M/M, Sad, dealing with death, heavy stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 23:29:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4980904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliako/pseuds/Liliako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys go back to Minnesota for Father's Day.  Kendall's not as happy as everyone else is about it because it's always hard, but it's worse on Father's Day. Non Canon compliant after Big Time Moms</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the Widows of Paradise, for the Fatherless in Ypsilanti (Side B)

**Author's Note:**

> Skip to End Notes for writing playlist and spoiler

“Kendall, get a move on! I just know we’re going to hit traffic and then we’ll be worried about getting to the right terminal in time. You know how I get lost at LAX,” Mrs. Knight called as she re-checked her list of essential plane items in her carry on, standing at the door with the boys and Katie. Kendall shuffled out of his and Logan’s room, bag slung over his shoulder and wearing the grumpiest expression. It was Father’s Day weekend and they were all going back to Minnesota for a few days.

“Okay, we’re all here, we’ve got everything, let’s roll out boys!” Mrs. Knight said leading them out the door of 2J, out of the Palmwoods and they all squeezed into her rental car, Katie calling shotgun no blitz as soon as the car was in sight. Kendall grumped and leaned his head on the window while James had the other window, but his head was tipped back over the head rest with one of those eye masks on, Carlos drooling against his neck. Logan was squished between Carlos and Kendall, wide awake and alert, drumming his fingers on his knee.

“Stop’pit,” Kendall flicked Logan’s fingers and the boy tucked his hands under his knees instead, looking apologetic but Kendall just continued to glare out the window.

They used Midwest airline, left from LAX at 6:30 am connected in Denver and were at MSP by 1:30 pm. Longest five hours of Kendall’s life seated next to, thank God, the window, but no thumbs up to the big man upstairs for the seating order being whack so they were all seated in front and back of each other instead of next to each other. Carlos now drooled on the window in front of him and Logan anxiously twitched behind him for both flights of the trip. At some point he’d dozed going from Denver to Minnesota and only woke from Logan’s hand gently shaking his shoulder. They all filed out of the plane and Kendall tried his best to put on his game face.

“Papi!” Carlos roared, jumping over other people’s luggage to koala hug his father, his mother and little sisters joining in. James’s mother stood by sniffling delicately out of joy and tugging at the ends of James’ hair, tsking softly while his father gave him a hearty manly slap on the back and started right in on how the California girls had been treating his son. Logan looked around anxiously still and it had been grating so hard on Kendall all day, but he knew how Logan felt so he slung an arm over his shoulder.

“You scan right, I’ll take the left,” he said and Logan smiled at him with almost heartbreaking gratitude before they began to sift through the crowds. Kendall spied his mother on her cell, looking concerned and his grip on Logan tightened fractionally as a sinking feeling came over him.

“Dad!” Logan was gone from under Kendall’s arm like a rocket and the blond watched him dart through the crowd and envelop his father in a tight embrace. Kendall glanced around them and knew his sinking feeling had been right.

“I’m supposed to give him a kiss and tell him she’s sorry,” Mrs. Knight looped an arm through Kendall’s and hugged it to her, leaned her head on his shoulder.

“Is she back in the hospital?” He tried to steel himself for the answer, watching this exact exchange happen between Logan and his father with hands on shoulders and warm tearful smiles.

“No, just home in bed,” Mrs. Knight said and Kendall let himself relax a little, “They aren’t anywhere near being in the clear but it’s better than before.” She smiled and waved at each of the parents, Mrs. Garcia blowing kisses at her, as they all began to herd their families to the exits. Logan and his father came over, Mr. Mitchell with an arm hugged over Logan’s shoulders, a tight smile on both their faces.

“Josh, if there’s anything we can do for you this weekend, just let us know.”

“Thanks Krista. Maggie and I really appreciate all you’ve done for the boys and for keeping Logan safe. We know he’s in good hands with you around,” Mr. Mitchell said ruffling Logan’s hair.

“It’s been my pleasure. Logan’s a joy to have around and he keeps this one from getting into too much trouble,” Mrs. Knight replied, patting Kendall’s chest and wearing that parental look of ‘oh these crazy kids’.

“Mine keeps yours out of too much trouble and yours keeps mine in just enough to live a little!” Mr. Mitchell laughed a deep rough noise that Kendall smiled at because he hadn’t realized how bad he’d missed it. “Now, if you’ll excuse us, I’ve got dinner on the stove, as long as Logan’s brave enough to eat it!” The man chuckled at his own joke again and everyone joined in and they waved as they took their leave, Kendall over hearing Logan ask ‘Is it sentient yet?’ before they got out of range.

Mrs. Knight and Kendall watched them leave with twin looks of concern before Katie cleared her throat.

“Ahem! A little help here?” She shook the handle of their one large suitcase. Mrs. Knight took over suitcase duty and Kendall messed up Katie’s hair much to her protests.

“C’mon baby sister, what say I give you a piggy back to the taxi?”

“I have legs, you know,” Katie said, trying her best to smooth her hair and Kendall wiggled his eyebrows at her like a puppy going ‘let’s go, let’s go, let’s go’ and crouched down to ready himself. “I just choose not to use them sometimes,” she explained and clambered onto Kendall’s back. Mrs. Knight smiled fondly at her kids before taking a deep breath.

“Let’s go home.”

\-------

Their house was unchanged for the most part. Since they didn’t know if the boys would even make it past having a demo, Mrs. Knight hadn’t sold the house. Instead, distant cousins Kendall had never heard of, much less seen, had moved in and were living there paying no rent as long as they kept it looking nice and paid any normal bills for what they used. This weekend they were away visiting their own father.

Kendall flopped down on his old bed and took in his room. It hadn’t been touched since the cousins didn’t use it and kept the door shut, it just smelled stale with an extra layer of dust. He knew his friends were all glad to be back and with their families and Kendall was really happy for them, but he’d much rather be taking pictures with stuffy puppies all day than be here.

\-------

“Dinner!” Mrs. Knight called and the aroma of simple spaghetti and meat balls drew Kendall out of his room, where he had been playing his old GameSphere, and to their kitchen table. They ate quietly for the most part, all being a little worn out from the flight, but without the other boys there to chatter away it just seemed like something was missing. Kendall hated that feeling.

“So, Kendall, tomorrow I thought we’d go visit your father,” Mrs. Knight said, looking expectantly at him.

“That’s nice, hope you and Katie have a nice time,” he replied before twirling some pasta and shoving it in his mouth.

“Kendall. It’s been a while and I think it would be a nice gesture-“

“Mom, with all due respect, I don’t want to go.”

Mrs. Knight just looked at him for a moment with a slight frown on her face, like the ends of her mouth were just too heavy. Katie watched them back and forth to see who would break first.

“You know what? You’re old enough to make this sort of decision for yourself. I’m not going to force you anymore,” Mrs. Knight said, holding up her hands in defeat and Katie gaped at her. “We’ll be leaving in the morning at ten, we’re going to pick up Grandma Knight and then go over. She’s got a full day lined up for us so we won’t be home until later. If you decide at any time you want to grace us with your presence, call my cell.”

“Are we done here?” As soon as it was out of his mouth Kendall regretted having said it. Katie gaped at him now and his mother shook her head, keeping her eyes on her meal.

“Sure, honey. You can be excused.” So Kendall high-tailed it out of the kitchen and back to his room, shutting the door before flopping face first down onto his bed. He’d just been very cruel to his mother and he had no sane explanation. He reached for his phone to call Logan but his thumb paused over the send button. Logan finally got to be with his family, he didn’t need to be hearing Kendall’s problems with his mom. Also, Logan’s mother was at home and not in the hospital like before so any kind of whining that Kendall would do about his mom in the end would just make him feel like a heel. His mother was healthy enough to drag them all to and from California while Logan’s mom sometimes couldn’t stand long enough for water to boil, let alone make dinner.

Letting out a frustrated sigh Kendall knew he couldn’t call Carlos or James because they were finally getting family time, too. Kendall didn’t want to rain on their parades and he couldn’t talk to anyone else about it because it would take too much explaining so he flipped his GameSphere on and played until he passed out.

\--------

Kendall woke up at about one in the afternoon, having woken up enough before just to hear his mother and Katie leave but going back to sleep afterwards. He lugged himself out of bed and scrounged in the kitchen for food. On the stove was a sticky note that read ‘Dino nuggets in the freezer. Hope you change your mind. Love you’ with a little heart from his mother. Despite telling her in California that he was too old for dinosaur shaped chicken, he had to admit deep down that he did love them. He pulled out the dino nuggets and debated oven versus microwave before deciding to put some in the oven to get that nice crisp outside and put a few in the microwave to eat while waiting. When the timer rang, he plated them up and went to chill in front of the TV.

After a couple of hours zoning out and channel surfing, Kendall felt restless. It was Father’s Day and he refused to go see his father, but that didn’t mean he should be ungrateful for who he did have. Focusing in on that single-minded act he got off his lazy butt, showered, and stepped outside into gloomy weather that didn’t help his mood. Even with the rain hanging ominously above, Kendall took his time walking to the corner drug store, buying a card, grabbing two more items and signing the card at the checkout before heading back out. 

It didn’t matter what direction he was coming from, he knew his way- like a boat coming into port and seeing the light house ahead, as soon as he spotted the unused satellite on top of the roof that had been painted to be one big sunflower, he could breathe a little easier. Walking up the creaky front porch stairs, he rang the doorbell and waited a moment before the door opened.

“Why, Kendall! This is a surprise, come in, come in!” Mr. Mitchell ushered Kendall inside witha wave of his arms and peeked outside. “Goodness, those clouds don’t look very nice, huh?”

“No sir, but I only stopped by to give you this, I don’t want to intrude-“

“Nonsense, boy! The day you intrude is the day pigs fly and from what I remember about Logan’s seventh grade science fair experiment, there’s a whole lot of technical mumbo jumbo that says that’s a bunch of hooey.”

“Whose ear are you talking off in there?” A voice from the kitchen in the back of the house called and Kendall’s insides felt weird all of the sudden.

“Oh, nobody, dear, just that Knight hooligan from down the street.” Mr. Mitchell grinned at Kendall, winking, and Kendall couldn’t help but break out into a huge smile.

“Kendall Knight you get your scrawny butt over here this instant or so help me I will have Logan put you in a headlock so I can noogie you!” Kendall and Mr. Mitchell exchanged twin looks of amusement before Logan poked his head into the kitchen doorway at the end of the hall.

“Do as she says and nobody gets hurt,” he deadpanned at them before disappearing and the pair obeyed.

Upon entering the homey kitchen, memories came flooding back to Kendall- the old stove with the cast iron skillet that Mrs. Mitchell would make them Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes on, the ceramic flour container that’s bottom was cracked and glued back together from dropping it when the boys had once tried to make cookies on their own, the baking soda that now lived on top of the fridge due to the Volcano Incident of 1998, the singed wall from the failed attempt at cooking dinner for their double dates to the Fall Ball (Mrs. Mitchell rescued them from that one and the girls were so impressed they each got a kiss on the cheek at the end of the night, which was big to an eighth grader), and to bring it up to date there was the picture of the four boys after their first stellar hockey game attached to the fridge via a beaker shaped magnet.

“N’awwww, look at you! All that sun makes your hair lighter, and you look so grown up I hardly recognize you!” Mrs. Mitchell cooed and Kendall finally dared to look at her. She was sitting at the old hard wood kitchen table, smiling at him with so much pride and a healthy glow about her that almost made Kendall not notice the bags under her eyes and how she was so, so pale.  Any remnants of summer gardening tan she used to have was long gone. Logan sat on the next side of the little square table, happy lopsided smile firmly in place and not taking his eyes off his mother.

“Don’t be shy now, get your head out of the cumulonimbus and come have a hug from the head of the Lollipop Guild!” Kendall laughed, as they’d always joked about how small Mrs. Mitchell was in comparison to what she called ‘Knight-Height’ but she was nowhere near a Munchkin. He crouched down so he was lower than her and she hugged him fiercely as if to remind him she wasn’t fragile. 

At this level, he almost felt like a little kid again, hugging Mrs. Mitchell when he’d be sleeping over and have a nightmare, or scrape his knee, or be in a fight with Logan. His heart ached for her long dark hair that always smelled so nice to be crowding one side of his face but he knew that it hadn’t been there for a while and might not be back any time soon, the soft blue head wrap taking its place.

“Want to let him go long enough so he can give me my presents now?” Mr. Mitchell asked, rustling the plastic bag, and Mrs. Mitchell laughed and released Kendall, waving him into the other chair next to her so he sat across from Logan. Mr. Mitchell sat down across from his wife and put the bag in the middle of the table. “How should I do this?”

“Just close your eyes and pick, there’s a card too but you can open it later,” Kendall said, regretting not having wrapped anything properly.

“Oh-ho, this should be fun!” Mr. Mitchell chuckled and made a big show of closing his eyes and making the plastic bag make a lot of noise before he pulled out the first item.

“A bottle of Coke?” Logan looked between the bottle in his father’s hands to the confidently smirking blond. “Gee Kendall, you’re so thoughtful,” he said enthusiastically, dripping with sarcasm and his mother giggled.

“Don’t be jealous over Kendall’s ability to get something other than the classic tie gift, honey,” she chided him.

“Dad loves my ties! Don’t you, Dad?” Logan was quick to reply.

“Well, son, certainly no one else at the office has ones like them,” Mr. Mitchell said, opening a box by Logan’s elbow and pulling out a tie that had a million tiny bright pink flamingos on it. Kendall and Mrs. Mitchell tried to stifle their laughter but really couldn’t when Logan’s little face pouted at them for their mockery.

“They’re very- haha!- I’m sure that- ahaha!- Oh god, no there’s really nothing redeeming about it, is there?” Mrs. Mitchell kept laughing, hitting Kendall on the arm in amusement.

“Those flamingos are wearing sunglasses! Sunglasses mean cool! That tie is very cool, you guys!” Logan protested, trying his best to advocate the logic behind his poor tie choice.

“I know, Logan, I know. For the record, I liked last year’s lobsters better,” Mr. Mitchell consoled his son who was still pouting with the best of them.

“The lobsters were wearing lobster bibs. It was ironic,” Logan said petulantly and Mrs. Mitchell turned a dazzling smile at Kendall now that both their laughter had subsided.

“Isn’t he precious?”

“Absolutely,” Kendall replied as they grinned at Logan.

“Whatever. What else does the bag of Kendall’s awesome hold?” Logan huffed and his father dove his hands back it, pulling the card out with one and another small package in the other.

“Pop Rocks!” Mr. Mitchell cheered and Mrs. Mitchell shook her head chuckling. “Watermelon, my favorite!” Logan smiled despite himself.

“In honor of the first science experiment you ever showed us,” Kendall grins and Mr. Mitchell squeezed his shoulder.

“As the internet has so graciously revealed to us, Mentos are the way to go now, but thank you Kendall, I love it.” Mr. Mitchell tugged the Pop Rocks away from his wife’s hands and put them back in the small plastic bag along with the Coke. The couple shared a look before Mr. Mitchell gave a little nod and pushed back his chair. “C’mon Logan, help me put these away and get the cake from the basement fridge.” Logan looked confused for a moment before he got up as well and followed his father down the basement stairs across from the fridge.

“There now, alone at last,” Mrs. Mitchell smiled at Kendall and took his hand in both of hers. He shifted in his chair, heart beat picking up in nervousness. “How are you, really?”

“I’m doing pretty good, how are _you_ doing?” he covered her hands with his own.

“Bah, an old woman can’t complain,” she shrugged thin shoulders. “Are you and Logan getting along okay?” She asked in an almost hesitant way that wasn’t like her at all.

“Yeah, no fights past the usual or anything.” Mrs. Mitchell nodded at that, humming and looking down at their hands for a moment before looking at Kendall again.

“Kendall, I’ve watched you boys your whole lives. Don’t make an old woman wait forever, hm?” Mrs. Mitchell smiled softly at him, a little lopsided and he’s reminded where Logan gets it from. Kendall felt his face heat up because he knew what she was talking about. He pulled his hands away and they drop into his lap along with his gaze.

“I can’t- It’s just never the right- I don’t want us to-” He stopped stuttering out excuses when the tips of her fingers reached out and touched his cheek so he looked back at her.

“All I want, all I have _ever_ wanted? Is for Logan to be happy. And from what I see, he’s always been happiest with you.” Mrs. Mitchell looked at him earnestly and he couldn't bear it so he glanced back down at his hands.

“ _Mom,_ Dad stained the carpet with Coke and pop rocks!” Logan called from the stairs before he appeared in the door way with his father anxiously behind him. While Logan rummaged for paper towels and carpet cleaner, Mr. Mitchell mouthed an apology to his wife. She waved a hand at him before pointing a finger at Kendall and giving a thumbs up. Mr. Mitchell mouthed ‘really?’ before aiming a nodding grin at Kendall and giving a not-so-sly double thumbs up.

“What are you doing?” Logan asked after he’d found the stain remover under the sink. His parents both immediately pulled innocent faces and shrugged.

“I should get going,” Kendall said, standing up in a vain attempt to change the subject.

“Cool, see you later man,” Logan waved the stain remover bottle at him and disappeared back into the basement.

“I’ll walk you out,” Mr. Mitchell smiled but Mrs. Mitchell caught Kendall by the wrist and tugged him down. She kissed him on the cheek quickly and ruffled his hair.

“Alright, off with you!” She motioned them out with the same lopsided smile and Kendall never liked thinking it might be the last time he sees it. He gave a small wave over his shoulder as Mr. Mitchell ushered him out to the porch.

 “Son, I just wanted to tell you, well,” Mr. Mitchell cleared his throat. “Kendall, your father would be proud of you,” he squeezed Kendall’s shoulder and it feels like it’s connected right to his heart. “He’d be real proud… And I want you to know that Maggie and I, we see you as one of ours. All you boys are,” he quickly amended, “but you’re special to us.” Mr. Mitchell paused then, looking out into the street for his words. “We love you very much and we’re proud of you.” It’s incredibly touching and as Kendall blinked back the water in his own eyes he saw Mr. Mitchell do the same. The man pulled him into a tight hug, thumping him on the back a few times with a hearty laugh. “That’s enough of that, huh? Off with you! Stay safe, kiddo!”  Kendall nodded, giving a laugh of his own to keep his emotions in check.

He stepped off the porch just as the rain started to fall.

\-------- 

Kendall had just barely turned eight, still riding that high of being able to hold up another finger when telling people his age, when the principal and guidance counselor showed up at the door of his class room. Mrs. Paukette told the class to take out their silent reading books and read for a bit before stepping into the hall, shutting the door and talked to them in hushed voices. Kendall pulled his copy of _Jimmy Spoon and The Pony Express_ from his desk and giggled at Logan who excitedly lugged out that big book about that whale. 

From where he was sitting Kendall could see through the glass window pane next to the door. He watched Mrs. Paukette cover her mouth with her hand and the guidance counselor handed her a tissue to dab her eyes with. Kendall felt bad for her because crying always gave him a headache. He decided that he was going to be a really good student like Logan for the rest of the class so that Mrs. Paukette’s headache wouldn’t get worse, so he focused on Jimmy’s adventures.

In a few minutes Mrs. Paukette came back in the room but the principal and guidance counselor were still at the door looking in. Mrs. Paukette walked over to Kendall’s desk and crouched down next to him and spoke very quietly.

“Kendall, you need to pack up your things and go with Principal Wenton and Mrs. Eleski now.” Kendall tried to think about if he’d done something bad but came up short. He looked at Mrs. Paukette in the same way he did when a math problem was too hard and she’d help him find the answer. This time she just pressed her lips together and the ends went down into the biggest sad face Kendall had ever seen. “You didn’t do anything wrong, honey, you just need to go with them right now,” she put her hand on his head and rubbed the top of it like his mother did when he was sick. Remembering Mrs. Paukette must have a headache from crying, Kendall was good and did as she said, waving good bye to Logan who had stopped reading his whale book.

Even though he was old enough that he didn’t need help walking or getting across streets, he held Mrs. Eleski’s hand while they walked down the hall because she had reached for his and she seemed sad. If holding his hand in both of hers made her feel better then that was okay. They went into the special guidance room that had the squishy couch and his grandma, Grandma Knight, was already sitting there with Katie on her lap. He wanted to say hi but everyone seemed sad and his grandma wouldn’t look at him, just stroked Katie’s hair.

“Sit down Kendall, we have something we need to tell you,” said Principal Wenton, and Kendall snuggled into his grandma’s cushy side and poked Katie in the tummy for a quiet hello and she kicked her feet, giggling. Grandma Knight shifted Katie to one side and pulled Kendall close to her side, tight in her arm. He realized that his grandma, who was the toughest person he knew, who didn’t cry when Grandpa died last year, who was set in her ways of fixing her own car and mowing her own lawn, his grandma was crying little wet droplets on top of his head. This was too many people being sad and it was making him sad so he held onto Katie’s hand because it made him feel a little better.

“Kendall. Katie. Your father collapsed at work and was rushed to the hospital… but it was too late. I’m so sorry, but your father’s gone.” Mrs. Eleski said softly, with her hand on Kendall’s knee. Grandma Knight’s body heaved with a sob and she squeezed Kendall and Katie tightly as she cried.

Kendall felt his heart burrow down into his tummy and tears blurred his vision. He knew what that type of gone meant. It was the Grandpa Knight kind of gone. They’d sat down a few times as a family to talk about what ‘passed away’ and ‘gone’ and ‘dead’ meant. Kendall would go home today and his dad wouldn’t be there to tell him eating his gross asparagus was going to make him a better hockey player, he wouldn’t be there to tuck him in too tight at night and they’d call it Kendall’s cocoon and Dad would say that in the morning he’d pop out as a ‘beee-youuuuuu-tee-ful butterfly’, he wouldn’t be there to tell the monsters under Kendall’s bed to stop having a party without them, no more stories about Dad’s old hockey games or his old car that always had something wrong with it, no one to come with Mom to his games and wave the big foam finger that Mom was so embarrassed by.

Tears flowed down his face and he hugged Grandma Knight tightly, Katie began to wail which made Kendall cry harder and Grandma Knight sob again and the whole room sounded like an awful mess.

After a while, they went to the hospital, where his mother was crying with Mrs. Mitchell and as soon as his Mom saw them they all started crying harder and there was a lot of hugging. Eventually they ended up at the Mitchell’s on their nice fancy couches all huddled in one crying lump. As soon as they’d all be sniffling and trying to breathe right again someone would burst into tears and it would set all of them off.

Mrs. Mitchell cooked them dinner that no one remembered the taste of and after the grown-ups talked in the kitchen quietly. Katie had nodded off during dinner, still wrapped in Grandma Knight’s arms, and they’d laid her on the couch so after dinner Mrs. Knight asked Kendall to go be with his sister while the adults talked. Katie was curled up on her side, hand under her cheek, covered in the big blanket that Logan and Kendall used to make a fort. Kendall didn’t want to wake her so he sat on the floor next to the couch and just watched her sleep, trying to not think about everything sad.

When his father had gone on a trip for work last year he had told Kendall that he had to be the big man in the house for the next week. He’d said Kendall could wear his ties and his old hockey jersey because ‘My crown is in the shop being shined’ but that he knew Kendall could be king of the house without it. Then he had beeped Kendall’s nose, told him to take care of Mom and Katie, hugged and kissed him, and with a ruffle of Kendall’s hair, drove away to the airport.

This time, he wasn’t going to be home in a week. He wasn’t ever coming home. Kendall knew that meant from now on he had to be the big man of the house and take care of Mom and Katie all the time. Katie was going to start kindergarten soon and Kendall would have to do everything Dad had done for him—it wouldn’t be fair if he didn’t. He frantically began trying to remember that far back and what he’d been taught but he couldn’t think of anything. If he couldn’t remember then what else was he going to forget? Kendall panicked and started to hit his head with his hands to try and make his brain remember everything.

“Don’t!” Logan had whispered and grabbed his wrists to make Kendall stop. Since Logan had come home from school he hadn’t said anything, just stared at Kendall from across the room. Mr. Mitchell had eaten dinner upstairs with Logan so they could talk, but he hadn’t seen Logan in the living room.

“I can’t remember and I have to! I have to be the big man and take care of Mom and Katie and do everything he did because he’s not here to do it but Logan I can’t remember and I have to but I can’t—I don’t—” Kendall had started to cry uncontrollably again and Logan had hugged him as hard as he could while Kendall hung onto him, getting snot all over both their Power Ranger t-shirts, his red and Logan’s blue. The grown-ups rushed in, Mr. Mitchell and Mrs. Knight scooping up their sons into tight embraces as the boys cried.

“I can’t—” Kendall couldn’t catch his breath and kept hiccupping for air. “Do everything—He did!—I can’t—Remember!” He sobbed into his mother’s neck and she cried with him, sinking to her knees on the floor. Mr. Mitchell hugged them from one side while Logan circled them from the other. When they all got themselves under control again, Mr. Mitchell spoke softly,

“You don’t have to do everything alone, we’re going to be right here for you, any time you need us. We’ll get through this together.”

And Mr. Mitchell was right. It was very hard for a long time, but over the years the families had always been there for each other, good times and bad, weak and strong times. 

It was only when Kendall was eleven that Grandma Knight told him that a rare heart condition had taken his father’s life.   He’d gone straight to Logan with the news because Logan knew everything and together they looked it up in every book that existed. Some of the books said that it was hereditary, which Logan explained meant it could sometimes run in your family. They both got scared because that meant Kendall might have it and not even know until it did exactly what it did to his father.

“Don’t worry!” Logan had said, sitting on the worn rug in his room with the big encyclopedia volume open, other books surrounding them all over the floor. “I’ll be a doctor when I grow up so that I can fix you!”

“You’d do that for me? What about being a Power Ranger?”

“Dad says I couldn’t ‘hack it’ as a Power Ranger because I’m scared of monsters.”

Only a few years after that, Logan’s mom got sick. It only seemed to make it clear in Logan’s mind that he had to become a doctor so he could fix her too.

Life went on, they grew older, sometimes they’d talk about it, sometimes Katie would ask questions, but they all kept pushing through.

\-------- 

Kendall didn’t jump when Logan’s arm pressed up against his own, he just wiped his eye with the heel of his palm. He’d felt Logan’s quiet presence a few yards behind him for a while.

“Happy Father’s Day, sir,” Logan said, He dropped into a crouch to set a small bouquet of ugly looking white flowers, that probably had a nice meaning knowing Logan, alongside the three single roses from each of the Knight women. “I know you’re proud of this kid. He doesn’t let anyone treat him wrong, he stands up for what he believes in, he stays true to himself, he still kicks ass at Championships…” Logan took a beat up hockey puck from his hoodie pocket and placed it next to the bouquet.

“Is that the puck from our game against the Rebels?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I can’t believe you stole it,” Kendall shook his head in disbelief. Logan doing something morally questionable without being cajoled into it, it was a day to mark on the calendar.

“I _bargained_ for it,” Logan corrected him, “and it’s worth it. You wiped the ice with those guys.”

“We all did, as a team.”

“If you hadn’t given us one of your rousing speeches where you tell us to stop playing like girly men, we never would have gotten our shit together. We were all mad at each other because of the Becky Hennessey Winter Ball Date fiasco and it showed. We couldn’t keep our personal lives off the ice and we had no right to let it interfere with how we played as a team. We needed someone to tell us to stop being whiny jerks and no one did but you. It was your game, man. You were the only one doing it right the first time and we couldn’t have won it without all the points you scored in the first half before you made us pull it together.” Kendall couldn’t argue with Logan because that was exactly what had happened. They stood looking down at the headstone, and Kendall leaned slightly so that their arms touched again though hoodie sleeves.

“It’s not fair,” Kendall said quietly shaking his head slowly. “He won’t be around to walk Katie down the aisle. I realized that a while ago, I hadn’t thought about it before. He can’t scare each of the boys she dates and ask their intentions and all the stuff you see in movies. It’s not fair to her.”

“But she’s still got you. And three extra older brothers to interrogate her dates- We can be scary when we need to be,” Logan said with his lopsided tentative smile.

“Yeah,” Kendall cracked a small smile before his brow furrowed and his mouth set into a grim line. “My mom doesn’t get why I don’t like doing this every year. She thinks I’m mad or I’m being a rebellious teenager. It’s just—it hurts, y’know? I don’t want to think about it if I don’t have to.”

“It makes you think about your own mortality, nobody likes that,” Logan added, motioning with his chin at the graveyard around them.

“And I can’t be—” Kendall struggled again to find the words he needed. “I could never be mad at him. It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t want to go. Being angry would just be useless.” Logan nodded, understanding. “Coming here is just a reminder that he’s gone. I don’t need to see it in stone to know it, I carry it around every day. It’s too hard looking at this and I have to keep it together so they have someone to lean on.”

“I’m betting they could use you right now,” Logan hinted and Kendall rolled his eyes.

“She sent you, didn’t she?”

“Psssh, no, I just know you, man. Also, you show up at my house and give my dad presents, I gotta return the favor.” Logan smiled at him, and Kendall’s not sure why but it made him feel a little lighter. “Come on. James and Carlos are waiting at the gate. They wanted to give you your space. I, on the other hand, am not nearly that nice after you showed up my awesome flamingo tie.” He jostled Kendall’s arm and they ambled back towards the gate.

Kendall looked back over his shoulder. Three roses, a bouquet of white flowers and a hockey puck. Love, friendship, and the things that matter.

 

END  
  
Songs listen to during process of this fic:  
 

[for the widows of paradise, for the fatherless in Ypsilanti – Sufjan Stevens](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=59BRCOiQVKI)   
  
[Breathe Me- Sia ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghPcYqn0p4Y)   
  
[Here Comes Goodbye- Rascall Flatts](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Uq3nI11w4g)

[Machines- Biffy Cylro](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzhE8_5ic70)

**Author's Note:**

> Spoiler: Character death revisited, cancer sads


End file.
